| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|03:05 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  tired | ] |
I am one bad day away from becoming clinically bitter.
I feel as though the Caufeldian ideas are lost apon those I know. It's every one for themselves,and compassion is traded in for comfort. I think back on all the times I have stayed up listening to a friend cry. I did it because I told myself it was the right thing to do,but in all honesty I did it because I felt I had to. That I was bad or would be punished. Pretty silly for someone who tries not to believe in karma.
I feel so silly right now knowing that none of it will be returned. I'm so jealous of those with familes and communities and friends that I could just spit. I wish that I had that ideal of a friend that we see in yogurt commericals and tampon ads. I have little or no trust in humanity and think most people to be hurtful. It's like I see it in these two extremes. Either you are a bitch or you are codependent. If you ignore me you are a bitch,if you actually care you are like me and that's whacked. Most people are actually in the middle and jump around the issues and feel uncomfortable when I am direct about my pain.
I'm just feeling very Under the Pink right now. |
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| PrettyChocolateSpringtime |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|04:48 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Cocteau Twins/"When Mama was a Moth" | ] |
It's got that strange warmish feeling that fools you when the wind blows and you shiver. It's like the bitter melts along with the snow and somehow it feels a little bit safer. I know that this weather is fickle and we really have no springtime here,but just for one night I will pretend until it gets cold again. Until it gets hot.
I feel pretty today. I could credit my new skincare routine or the lack of panic-y feelings that I have felt. I mean I really could. I have no idea why since I have spent so long ignoring anything physical about me. One day I just sort of woke up and I was all "hey there baby"! It's nice to have less of a contradiction in my head about how I should look or how far I would need to go until I could be "acceptable" to some sort of idea that was constructed for me. My gosh was that a waste of time! Vogue owes me five years of my life! Well to be fair Discover and Runner's World would owe me some time as well but that was happy time and you really don't want to give happy time back.
I've got this urge to go to Ghirardelli's and get a hot fudge sundae. I think I just miss San Francisco right now. How odd. |
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| Stolen from rainbwmagc |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|01:29 am] |
Deep and insane, that's me!
Jenny - You're...well...mixed up. Some see you as
deep, other's as insane, and some may see you
as innocent and pure (poor mislead people).
You're currently so busy trying to figure out
your feelings that you tend to completely
forget everyone elses in the process. Now the
good thing is you're creative; the bad thing is
you probably could use some medication (and to
be tested for STD's...quick!) Good luck.
Which L Word Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) |
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| Olfactory Adventures |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|06:07 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Pretenders/"Don't Me Wrong" | ] |
I found a make up bag that I bought a few years ago when cleaning today. It had been sitting on the windowsill for almost three years. When I opened it the bag didn't have the sent I expected to find. I thought it would smell like my prefume oil which spills on everything. Instead it smelled like the summer of 02 with faint whispers of my oil and cinnamon gum. The entire summer came back with just one inhalation. The job I had,the clothes I wore,the books I read,the people I slept with,the places I went. For a second I went back in time and felt the July heat as people worried about terroist attacks and how American flags were placed for all to see. I breathed in the bag's scent for a second time and got a whole new set of memories.
I recalled another time back in 98' when I was extremly nomadic and moving every few months. When unpacking a box I forgot about a scent came out but that one slapped me in the face. It was a vanilla sented candle. I had it in my very first apartment. The apartment where I first had sex with someone I loved,where they broke up with me,where I came to alone and cried. I remember listening to "They Might be Gaints" and forcing myself to get up and go to work. When I opened the box it all came back and for a second I felt cold and alone. The box smelled like I was 17,alone and rejected no matter how sweet the smell was. |
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| lachrymose |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|04:17 am] |
I have been feeling severely depressed. Yeah I know everyone is. But this is me. I have lived with it so long one would think I would have found the loophole out of this.
I remember saying how I wished for the depression to come back it it were to be a trade off for major panic attacks. The major depression came back but I'm still panicing I just don't have the energy to put in to a panic attack any more. And those benzodiazepines that I adored and swore I'd write a sonnet to over the summer? They just don't seem to have the same everything is gonna be alright,warm and fuzzy,happiness is a 2mg pill kick like they used to. I feel like I am hopeless. Who has this many problems that can not be cured?
I have an appt with a holistic doc later on this week. I'm hoping she can help. I'm not going to my breast doc appt today because the thought of being touched anywhere on my body will put me deeper in to this state and cause more flashbacks and I have not called my shrink since my last cancellation. I know I should I just can't talk anymore. With my cords or with my mind. No more talking about anything. I'm really afraid of talking anymore.
Just something get better. I have little hope about anything and that's well,scary. I used to take my guitar out to the subway and sing untill the cops showed up a little under a year ago. How did my entire past come back to hunt me down at once? I'm scared I'm going to end up in hopsital a la' Sara Goldfarb in "Requiem for a Dream". I feel like my brain has been shocked already |
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| Tounge in Cheek |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|02:34 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Death From Above 1979/Going Steady | ] |
I just went from wanting to die to making mix CD's and eating pudding. I think the swigs of Hycodan helped but it just seems that if I am not altered somehow I get too depressed to get stuff done. Someone get me some pot! I can't believe that I live in a huge city in the U.S. and I can't find someone even if it just to find swag crap it might help. That's what happens when you isolate yourself and are too afraid of becoming more of an inconvenience on your self absorbed fucked up in their own way friends.
Grrrrr it just seems to me that even as we changed when things that should only happen in a lifetime movie kept happening they went away. Yes I have talked about this before. It bothers me. I miss so much of who I was and my friends before I got sick. And in sick I mean fucked over,mind fucked,fucked in the ass,fucked in the head,pill fucked,shrink fucked oh and fuck without my consent. A little fucked there a little fucked there it added up and I broke down.
I'd like to see some sort of psychological reality show with a goal of seeing how much a person can take psychologically. And then giving them some more. But in the desert! And Pfizer could be the sponsor! And the winner gets free non abusive psychiatric care at one of those treatment centers in LA that Courtney Love would go to. (Or Robert Downey Jr. Someone rich and important) Ohhhh I'm so writing NBC on this idea. If I can capitalize on making people nuts then I can just quit working! |
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| Clean up |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|04:23 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Kaia-16 | ] |
I am so overwhelmed. I have gone from not having having much to do to becoming super vigilant about my healthcare needs. I have seven doctor's appointment's in the next three weeks. They all are for different needs and concerns. I am going to shows and shopping a lot. I basicly feel like I am getting things in order.
It just got to me today when I had to cancel plans with a friend for the secomd time because I take the soonest appointment. I do this after talking to each doctor about my needs and concerns so that my time is not wasted by a clash of different ideologies on patient care. Especially when I am the patient receiving the care.
I also have becaome intrested in doing work with a group called "Mindfreedom" which from the information I have gathered is an advocate group for those who are being psychiatrical abused and those who are psychiatric abuse survivors.
Right now I feel so weak from being ill and am anxious to meet the doctor of naturopathy who gave me a lot of information over the phone today on my illnesses and the possible connection to them and the contraception I was on. This was my belief when I got sick but kept getting the same "It's not possible" speech from the doctors who were "treating" before. The past almost two years has been so crazy making and I just want to relax.
It's amazing what a little compassion and care can do for one's psyche. |
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| Happy Vibe |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|09:41 am] |
I feel that most of what I post in here is has such a negitive and demoralizing vibe. I mean I created this LJ so I would have a safe space to go to write about my issues. But there is so much more to me than being really really fucked up :)
I want to express this more in the future. I still have my past but there are good things in my life.
I just want to send out some good energy because there are a lot of people right now that I am feeling for.
*HUGS*
Li |
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| Disassociated Fever Post |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  sick | ] |
The panic attack I had the other night at the gym turned out to be the beginning of a cold. I have been running with the crack pipe dream of getting to longer distances this fall. After my run my lungs burned and I got dizzy. I felt frustrated but I made my run.
Now fever and I feel as though I am walking through jello. Blah. And I was progressing (wah wah)
My goods
-Vick's Vapor Rub
-Black cap sleeved T-Shirt
-XL Knit Grey Sweater that goes to my knees
-Curious George Flannel feeling but they are not sweat pants
-Huge Black Sweat Pants over the Curious George pants
-Orange and Pink Knee Socks
-Black Wolly Bully Socks over Knee Socks
-Sweat! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2004|05:13 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  hopeful | ] |
There seems to be a magical notion that tomorrow everything will be different. A new leaf,a fresh start,crap like that. I don't really want to admit this but I am sucked in to it too. Last year I wanted so much for the year to end because I saw it as an end to all the pain I had endured. When the clock hit midnight the hurt was still there. I hated the new year that had failed me the second it arrived.
Over the next few months I remembered that New Years Eve,how I wanted to be alone and how much hope I had put into it. I wondered in March why the fresh start had not taken effect. I felt crazy in June not getting help when I was actively seeking it. In September taking too much klonapin and going through withdrawl from a drug that was supposed to help me. In December being afraid to leave my house.
I am afraid of this new "fresh start" because I see it as a new opportunity for getting hurt. I wish I wasn't this pessimistic but I can't imagine not being this way. I mean how do all those optimists protect themselves when bad things could happen? I know it's my history and my pathology but I do not want to embrace this new year with gusto and hope but then again I feel it's human to appreciate events such as these. And yes I do wish the hurt of last year to wash away by morning. I just know that it's not going to happen in an instant. |
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| Drug Addict? |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|03:14 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | and sleepy | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Lush/Papasan | ] |
I'm sitting here making mixes and having panic attacks about having panic attacks at 3am. I see the little white pill that came all the way over illegally from europe just to relieve me from this but I want to be strong tonight. I don't want to need them.
All the songs on the mix is intended for hello kitty bath time or relaxing but I'm still holding the pain,grudges,memories,flashbacks,panic attacks on my shoulders. Plus my body is recovering from what the burden has brought me.
I read back to when I started this journal and where I was at that time and I really thought I was getting better before I started taking the pills everyday,a few times a day,at the bar....... I had no inhibitions about popping in the bar when the sun was still out with others who knew what the word benzodiazepine meant and how to scam them from shrinks to get high.
I remember thinking this is not my intention but when you are handed a bottle instead of getting years of pain out of your head you might end up thinking that these little white discs are your saving grace when you are shaking and wondering if this is the time you are going to die. I ended up in withdrawl and labeled an addict and that became the focus of what was wrong with me.
In short I'm sad. I'm sad that I was raped,molested,beaten,abandoned,used. I'm sad that I thought I had gotten so far in life just to be struck down by panic attacks that render me monophobic at times. I'm sad that a system that was supposed to help me fucked me up the ass with no lube and then left many,many times and gave me new material to try out in therapy and keep me up writing in my livejournal at 3A.M.
I will not take the pill tonight.
This chick really needs a hug. |
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| John Munch |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|12:06 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Bikini Kill/Star bellied boy | ] |
I am having sex fantasies about Detective John Munch from L&O SVU.
"Why would a young raven haired greek statute of a beauty get off to the thoughts of a sullen, crater faced, cynical,burnted out way older fictional T.V. cop?"
That was asked by one of my friends when I gave up my little crush.
I see myself that way in 25 years. I am already as cynical as one could hope to be and don't feel any real emotion anymore. Sometimes it creeps out but then I pop a pill or throw a shot back.
I am also in a helping profession and it when a childhood rape or abuse case comes in it doesn't affect me the same way it affects some other workers in my field. I guess I see getting raped or the shit beat out of you as the equivalent of a skinned knee or a broken bone. It's unfortunate but it happens and there is not much you can do about it. I don't dare this philosophy with others I work for/with. I give the care I need to and do what I can at the time I am there. I don't pursue other matters and focus on the patient/client.
I think John stills cares and that's why he is still a cop. By caring I mean he still believes in justice and I gave that up with breast milk.
Tonight I thought about John Munch calling me from his cell not telling me anything about his day except that he would be at my apartment in 20. He told me he liked me because I was a bitter bitch and I saw how truly fucked up the world was. I could tell he was self conscious about his face and his failed marriages. He saw how I was scared to be with a man and got cold when he touched my breast. He popped a Viagra and I popped a Xanax and we fucked. We were both smiling and comfortable in that moment. I don't remember the last time he got laied and I'm not telling mine.
He kissed me afterwards putting back on his black suit. It was proberly as awkward for him as it was for me and we both knew that no one was staying the night. He was proberly going to meet up with Lenny for a club soda and talk about pedophile scum.
The only funny thing was that I don't think he took off those dark glasses the whole time. |
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| Grrrlfriends |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|04:47 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | Pissed the fuck off!/ drunk | ] |
Dear Lovly friend,
I called you three times that night to let you know that I was in hospital from an overdose. You keep telling me that this was not something you could "handle". If you ased me I don't think there are many things you can handle.
You tell me that our friendship needs boundries because I had called you for support. Something you have done many time waking me up to cry about the last boy that fucked you and then asked to sleep.
So go one call me when you feel that you can handle it. On your degression on your needs on your time.
Dona't wake me up because all your other friends and shrinks are tired of you. Don't tell me that I am your best friend and then tell me you can't handle me. Isn't that all the boys who dumped you told you?
OH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why am I even writing this when I don't care. Oh yeah the hurt!I care about getting hurt my my gal friends. I really don't need to listen to "Under the Pink" again.
Did anyone read that article in the fake issue of BITCH entitled "Dear Female Friendship culture"? It made me feel less of a freak for not having that best friendship that is so coverted by well me!
So having a best girl friend is as much of a fantasy as the american dream or winning the lottery.
Nice to know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|07:41 am] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Rose Melberg/Golden Gate Bridge | ] |
I really hate posting in this journal filled with issue-y goodness but I love all the support I get from others who don't fit the "I lead a normal life" mold. I hate talking about bad things ie: Rape,abuse,lost directions,bad boyfriends,night terrors,panic attacks,and other such things.
But I felt inspired to post by the fab rich_monsoon
My latest sad fest is the loss of a neurotic,obsessive-compulsive friend. When I was detoxing from my wonder drugs I ended up in hospital. She called me there and started talking about a boy she was seeing/fucking on and off. It was really sad but it was even more sad that she had no idea on the etiquette of appropriate discussion with a friend who is detoxing in a cardiac ward.
I did and said a lot of stuff when detoxing that I can't remember. But I do remember screaming at her because the last thing I wanted to talk about was her boy issues or her fucking mantras on her self mprovement.
I called her to talk and the question she asked me was "Was our friedship really ever healthy?"
Now my question to anyone who reads this is .... is there anyone out there who is not inspired by psycobabble bullshit on boundries on what is and what is not healthy? Did she forget what boundries she crossed when she called me to bitch about all the boys who fucked her and left her at 2am? Why am I another notch in her bedpost of "Bad unhealthy friends?"
This is what happens when you lose your co-dependence. Your friends get upset and tell you that you are unhealthy and posionious.
And as an American the only thing I can say about the election results is that I was too drunk to remember and I am fleeing for the next four years. I was not expecting victory by the means most of the country voted. Place your votes on who can fuck and god bless America |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|06:09 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  blank | ] |
I have not posted here in a bit.
Things just got wierd. |
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|
| Hypothesis Time |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|12:27 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  silly | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | my cats singing to the birdies | ] |
As I sit here gulping my 32oz water bottle mixed with raspberry emergenC's and bitter pastey green tea extract, I am hoping that all the goodness and micogoodnesses in the compounds that I am flooding my system with will wash away all the guilt that I feel from quickly making a Karmal Sultra milkshake ghetto stlye. (That's when you eat half the pint then mix the rest with milk or soymilk in my case and mix it up sipping it in the pint container)
I had a panic attack right after I finished my dairy fest breakfast chosen by 8 out of 10 cardiac patients. Who woulda thunk it? I ate it because I was nervouse about changing. I am excersising and eating better and not having attacks so my lovly self hating half that was socialized from years odf abuse conjured up a plan to hold me back.
I think of her and the rest of her posse in a very star trek way
Location: A spaceship that looks like a giant pill in the depths of Li's Amygdala. Time: The present.
Captin Self Loathing-"Quick she has not yet taken her Zoloft and her blood sugar is low. The time is now right to install our plan.
Doctor Psyche- "Right! I will install a craving for chocolate and dairy which will quickly raise her blood sugar only to haev it fall just aqs fast MUHAHAHAHA *rubs hands together in evil fashion"
Captin Self Loathing- "Good thinking Doctor! Lutentient! Get the past memory genorator prepared!
Lt.Petey S. Dee- Memories are in route to The Temporal Lobe.
Doctor Psyche- Sugar has been injested! Prepare for crash landing!
*All put on protective gear,helmets and floatie thingies seen on airplanes*
Doctor Psyche- Blood sugar has erisen to highest level! It's starting to drop!
Lt. Petey S. Dee- Retrieval Memories activated! Abuse is being relived!
Doctor Psyche- The dairy is causeing mucous secreations! WE HAVE WHEEZING!!!!!!!
Captin Self Loathing- And now we have a full blown panic attack. Good work team! Our next project is to keep this going as long as possible. Next on the agenda. How can we hide her inhalers and Klonapin?
All Together- GOOOOOOO TEAM! |
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| I Bitch Therefore I am |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|11:09 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | A Teenaged Girl | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Ultimate Dance Party 1997-(Yeah go fuck yourself!) | ] |
I created this journal so that I could have a chance to be honest. With myself,my motivatons and my feelings. No one on my friends list has met me in real life or lives in the same city as me. I like that very much because it would scare me to have anyone know how fucked up I really am.
My life has changed so much in the past year. I changed jobs when I left the job I both hated and loved. Loved my patients hated HMO's and insurance companies. I transfered to a school where classes were intellectual battlefields and no one was compassionate or nice to each other. Asking questions was a sign of a lesser intellect. (Hey I've asked tons of questions and you know what? I have never killed a patient)
My depression got out of hand I left a relationship that I should have the day it started and I felt fucked up from severe panic attacks from November untill May.
Right now I feel that I am stuffing my emotions dowm my throat with ice cream. I am bloated and feel like shit but all I want is ice cream. My guess is that there is something buried or hiding that is not ready to come out. Emotional constipation if you will. I am not feeling depressed. I am not in full blown panic. I am frustrated that I am not running 40 miles a week.i feel like shit that my clothes are tighter. I am not going for a chubb chic look right now. Although everyone tells me that I look good I feel better active. I don't care if it is "in" with emo crowds to have no muscle tone. I want bad assbiceps again and I'm sick with myself that they have gone away. Esp since not many my age even have or had them. Of fuck all this "used to's"
My friend asked me today how far 50 yards was when he needed to complete a swim exam. I told him that it was not far and easy. Then it hit me that would be a complete workout if I did that right now. Or I would have to rest with each lap.
So there it is. I am not depressed or fearing dying but I hate the way I look. Ahhhhhh why can't I just have it all? |
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| Good day Rant-O Rama |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|12:47 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  and on my soap box | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Beth Orton/Paris Train | ] |
I had the most eventful day of Tuesday. I renesd my Y membership and signed up for the "Fitstart" program desinged for people who have never excersised or have not for some time due to illness,having too many babies,being lazy fucks who want to keep the american reputation of proud flag wanging fatass alive,ect. ect. My excuse for letting my goddess like figure get "Chubbified?" Well major depression and a nice little panic disorder on the side helped. Social Phobia about feeling worthless and staying home most of the time and devouring saturated fat like a skinny eskimo on pot might have been a contributating factor well. Oh yes and a terrible breakup with an narsessitic fuckhead who love mind games more than Tetris will eat at your self esteam like the golden girls at a cheesecake.
My docs say that my heart is healthy and that my weight is not at a dangerous level and that I can achive my marathon racing body if I go back to my old high fiber dairy free life. Oh and also excersize a bit. Slowly at first but soon will come more.
So I am terribly excited that I am not dying and a healthy chubby girl. Nomy Lamm would be so proud of me. (Except the fact that I desire to lose body fat for health reasons)
My advice (not that anyone asked for it) is to listen to your body and expirement with different things to make you feel better. And don't listen to doctors who give bad advice based on information they learned on an exam. Not every overweight person is going to get diabetes or heart disease and not every black person has hypertention and not every fat person is out of controll,depressed and unable to make decisions for themselves. Yes some of the things they say are true based of years of studies but it is up to the individual to take control over thier bodies and start having dialoges with doctors because you need to educate them as much as they need to educate us. Who are they learning from anyway?
This is why I'm proberly going to opt for vet school instead of med school. |
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| Bad Shrink |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|01:42 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| | angry | ] |
I have no idea what the hell is wrong with my sliding scale ghetto clinic shrink. She seems to be fixated on my weight more than my mental health. I tell her that I'm feeling better than I have been in the past and she tells me that I need to lose weight. WTF? I am not dangerously overweight. I'm a size 14 and while this is not my ideal weight size I am happy with who I am dispite my size. Yes there are things that we all want to change for ourselves but it is up to the individual to dcide what those thing may be.
A degree in Psychiatry does not give one an authority on anyone else in deciding what one needs to change. Maybe she feels that if I were a 120 pounds and a size 8 that the quality of my life will improve. Maybe she is right but I feel that it is my responsibliity to innicate a dialouge about what I feel will improve the quality of my life and not accept anything that she has to say just because she holds a degree.
I am happy with I am and comfortable with my body so what's up with her. Is likeing one's self a new disorder if your shrink disagrees with your point of view?
Fuck this and fuck her |
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| Li's tips for a healthier you |
[Aug. 18th, 2004|09:08 pm] |
| [ | feelin' like |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | groovin' to |
| | Death Cab For Cutie- Bend to Squares | ] |
I have been on a healthy kick both inside and out. I am working so hard on getting rid of all the stress in my life and being healthy. I'm not working and not attending uni this semester so I think I'm doing okay so far.
Things I have been doing and have fallen in love with
-Taking a B complex vit with iron every morning. It will turn your pee a lovly neon yellow but boost one's energy and is great for stress.
-Eating breakfast with said vitamin. I'm partial to oatmeal with natural peanut butter with honey,soymilk,and a banana. Yum!
-Drowning myself with green tea and water. The more you pee the better you will feel!
-Yoga. Cause I'm trendy and like to show off how far I can stretch. Oh and it's calming and good for you.
-Lighting insence. The good things that hippie culture has taught me. It soothes me.
-Running. Slow and steady and not feeling like a loser if I'm not as in shape as I once was.
-Getting a schedule in my life. It's coming. Little by little. |
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